Ahh, insomnia. An ever present companion. Like a shadow, intangible but irrefutably real and ever present nonetheless.
It just sucks to be hardwired to feel your most awake, creative, happy and intelligent when everyone else is dead to the world and to me. I love the feeling of elation, as if you're going to have a series of epiphanies or discover a whole new set of interests and fascinations. This often doesn't come to pass -- but it often does. After all, this blog was born from staying up until sun up.
The problem is that most of the world doesn't march to the beat of our drum. For me, it's a constant battle to force my body and mind to sleep at hours they simply don't see the point all to keep in time with the rest of the world. Hell, they don't see the point of sleeping in general. We all logically know we need that sleep, but we don't feel it. I love the act of sleeping but loath the necessity of it.
Some sleepless nights leave us feeling frustrated, especially when there's a big, demanding day ahead of us. Others are ... a joy, actually. In the here and now I feel this amazing sense of vast space and possibility. This almost exclusively comes to me at night. I know how meta that sounds, but as I sit here sober, very much awake and clear-headed, I feel a certain magic in the air. It's a good night to be an insomniac, alive and aware. Imagine having a pleasant, warm and fuzzies kind of a dream but be alert and conscious for it. It's an amazing sensation, and you remember nearly all of it. Why would I abandon that just to sleep?
But there is a price to pay. I bicycled, for the first time in any capacity in three years, for 16 miles today, ran a bit of an obstacle course at a metro park and walked a few miles. It was an awesome, physically strenuous day. Tomorrow though, I'll be playing in an adult rec hockey game. it's not high-end hockey, but I'll be hustling as if it were a game 7 NHL conference final. Then the burn of those 16 miles, obstacle course attempts (damn balance beam) and the fatigue of little-to-no sleep will make itself known midway through the first period.
Mentally, I will be slow as a snail and dull as butterknife. While I won't be mean to anyone, I won't be much fun to be around. I won't even want to be around myself for stretches of the day. All the cons will go away in the evening when I either will myself to surrender to sleep or start the cycle of insomnia anew.
That's okay though. Because right now my mind wanders to things like how cool it would be if ghosts were real, possibly starting a separate blog with other writer friends, what would be the greatest video game world to actually exist in, what to do about Global Warming, what my next blog post should be about, getting into shape, looking forward to attempting a podcast with a veteran friend of mine, expanding my personal definition of what constitutes art (creating anything, however seemingly mundane, that wasn't there before) and how much I appreciate music.
"Life is a constant attempt to learn from your mistakes before you make them," randomly came to mind. You might not, but I like it. Makes a lot of sense to me. Seems like a profound yet simple truth. Doubt that would have occurred to me in a dream. Cool, now I'm thinking about the most amazing dream I ever had, reliving it in a way. All this because I'm awake and embracing this weird surge of energy, curiosity and wonder.
Sleep can wait. There are too many possibilities to ponder on this night. The rest of the world ought to wish it marched to the beat of a night owl's drum.
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